Some lovely emotions

The last few days have been an incredible personal journey for me and I feel very strongly the need to share it, if for no other reason than my own personal benefit sometime in the future when I inevitably questions the feelings I have right now.

First of all, I think it is important to point out that I do not believe in coincidences. I believe with all my heart that Heavenly Father plays a very active part in all of our lives and that everything happens for a reason. Every seemingly unrelated connection or event or relationship is working towards to ultimate plan that He has for each of us.

A year ago, I was in a very different place than I am right now. I had just graduated High School and was pretty positive I knew exactly what I was going to do with the rest of my life. My plan continued to develop throughout my first two semesters here at BYU. I was going to double major in Political Science and European Studies and go to Law School and work either in international law or with nonprofit groups or something equally amazing. In the middle of that plan I recognized the need for me to serve a mission for the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, but that didn't change my academic plans, only rearranged the timing a little bit.

I remember the exact day that my grand plan for my life came to an end. I was sitting in the Tanner Building on the third floor with my two roommates and best friends and suddenly realized that I was NOT supposed to be majoring in Political Science. It wasn't what I was passionate about, I didn't love it. The idea of going to Law School was all about building a large and powerful career for myself, it wasn't about doing what I loved.

Since that day I have gone through a serious process of personal discovery to attempt to figure out what it is that I AM passionate enough about to want to make it the core focus of my college experience. The majors I seriously considered ranged from Elementary Education to Accounting, a difference clearly reflected in the classes I am currently taking (Art for Elementary Teachers and Intro to Accounting. Trust me it doesn't get more different than these).

Each time I thought I had decided there was a period of adjustment in which I constantly reminded myself "Yay! I am going to be an Elementary Teacher!" or "I like accounting, which is more than most people can say, so why not?"

Needless to say I was still feeling pretty unsettled and probably spent more time researching majors than actually doing classwork. At one point I went through the entire list of majors offered here and systematically narrowed them down to about 20, but couldn't get farther than that. There are a lot of subjects that intrigue me, but there really wasn't anything that I just looked at and said "That's the one!" (Which is what I was kind of hoping for really).

Now rewind a bit so I can give a little more background on my life pre-BYU. Ever since I can remember I have loved music. I have sung my whole life, played the piano for something like 14 years and played a variety of different instruments throughout the years (including a short stint on the Bassoon). I think the first musical I was in was in Kindergarten. When I went to Asia the Summer before my freshman year of High School, I had the most incredible musical experience with the Montana State University Symphony Orchestra goodwill tour and I decided that of course music was what I wanted to study! After a year I discovered a passion (and not to be proud or anything but also a talent) for languages which shifted my focus to linguistics, and as I reached my junior year music seemed to get put more and more on the back burner, after a very difficult and emotional decision to quit band. After my family moved halfway through my junior year to Rexburg I decided I wanted to get involved again, and my senior year participated in the Fall musical, women's choir and also was blessed to make the school's 12-member show choir group. Even though I had remembered my love of music, I focused instead on a more academic career path and after graduating figured that I was done being involved in musical groups because I simply didn't have the time nor the talent. (I am currently mentally kicking myself for this decision.) Of course because of my extensive musical background, the first week of my freshman year I was called as the chair of the Music Committee in my BYU ward, but that became the extent of my musical involvement.

So fast forward back to a few weeks ago. One major that I came across in my search was Commercial Music..and even though I was trying to focus on an academic path and finding a major that I felt I could succeed in I couldn't bring myself to cross it off my list. The more I tried to narrow down my search, the more I couldn't stop thinking about it.

SERIOUSLY, I had myself so convinced that I would never be able to succeed in a musical field that I spent most of my first year of college actively avoiding the music program. It is actually really hard for me to see all the fantastic performing groups on campus and know that I am not part of a single one of them. The only real exception I made was to see Vocal Point perform no less than 3 times the last few months of Winter Semester. (Thanks to my best friend Michaela who made me remember how much I actually love live music...and also attractive men..but that's an altogether different matter).

Surprisingly, all of these Vocal Point concerts ended up having a much bigger impact on my life than I ever would have guessed. (Incidentally if you haven't heard BYU Vocal Point ever, change that now. Like seriously they are amazingly talented and I am borderline obsessed with their new CD, Spectrum). Over the course of constantly seeing Vocal Point everywhere we gradually became friends with a few of them.. a rather unexpected development. Which brings us to a week ago when the beginning of this crazy journey REALLY began.

I was on Facebook last Monday when I saw a post from a member of VP who just finished his last year in the group saying that they would be opening at a Home Free concert in Orem that night. Of course I couldn't go to Vocal Point without Michaela...but for some reason I felt incredible drawn to this particular concert. Enough so that I bribed Tanisha (who lives about 45 minutes away) to come with me, even though she isn't exactly...fond... of Michaela and I's concert obsession.

That may have been one of the most important decisions I have made recently, because it jumpstarted a series of events that led me on this personal journey that I referenced earlier. I got to talk to my Vocal Point friends and revel in the beauty of the music that they and the other two groups (BYU Noteworthy and Home Free) provided. I have absolutely no regrets about the sleep deprivation going to that concert caused me.

Over the course of the next 72 hours or so, it seemed like everyone who I talked to had something to say about the music program and how great it is and what not, which is weird because I haven't really talked about the music program here with anyone since...well ever. This sent me into a bout of serious pondering about a lot of things, most especially if I really thought I could or should be involved in music.

Friday afternoon I was again sitting in the Tanner building (4th floor this time, but I don't know what it is about that building and life-changing experiences for me..) just looking at the music groups on campus and at the music program and how intense the audition process is and everything and suddenly I realized something. Something that I have been hearing since my Senior Year of High School from everyone who ever talks about college experiences it seems like:

In college you should study what you are PASSIONATE about. 

In fact my accounting 200 professor told us that we should aim for a career in whatever it is that we think about when we don't have to think about anything else. Whether that is physics or accounting or teaching or MUSIC.

I literally spend hours of free time every day (and even time that I should be doing other things) listening to music. I play the piano as much as I can, and every time I go home that is one of the first things I do. Pretty much the only events I go to on campus are concerts and dances. One day at work I was talking to a coworker about having songs stuck in my head all the time and he looked at me like I was crazy...apparently not everyone experiences that. (It might be important to note that as I am writing this I am sobbing all over the place. It's a mess) All of the major events in my life I can relate to a song and music is such a big part of my life.

WHY did I ever think I could give it up? Honestly.

The factor that finally tipped the scales for me actually was connected somewhat indirectly to Vocal Point-yet another sign that there are no coincidences in life. The same friend whose post made me decide to go to the concert had been a part of a music video last year made by the very talented Eric Thayne (who I had never heard of until about 2 days ago): a cover of the song "Don't You Worry Child" (look it up on YouTube- Trevor Johnson sings it). This song led me to Eric Thayne's album Undercover II, which I love maybe more than I love Vocal Point's album.. but it is that particular song that touched my soul deeper than I could have anticipated the first time I watched it. Within an hour of being moved to tears by it, I also watched Vocal Point's video Noyana/Come Come Ye Saints, in which Trevor asks: "Whatever your path may be, Are You Going?"

Needless to say there were a lot of tears and I was so emotionally affected by this combination of powerful songs that I can't even begin to explain. All I know is that throughout my life music has saved my time and time again. And it took a year of searching for me to remember that. But there has not be a single second since I decided to pursue music that I felt unsettled. I feel completely WHOLE about this new decision and new path and it feels more right than anything.

I don't know how on earth I am going to get into the Music program. I don't think I am qualified, and I don't know if I can even begin to compete on this level. This is going to be one of the HARDEST things I have ever undertaken. But even if I don't make it, it will be worth it. Because THIS is what I am passionate about.

Heaven's got a plan for you. Are YOU Going?